The eyes have it

We don't have enough surveillance. They're missing huge possibilities, cameras on the roads and buildings are all very well but where are the cameras in cars and in houses. An internal camera in every car coupled with a sensor and you can spot a drunk driver before he even sets off, something sniffing the air will pick up drugs. We could even take it further and wire up one of those devices that diabetics use to shove a little needle in your thumb when you grab the steering wheel to take a blood sample. Simplicity itself then to have the car self-lock, contact the police via the ever present mobile phone which will also give them the exact location via GPS.
See we're all instantly much safer on the roads.

All new houses and a 3 year limit for converting existing housing to have Webcams installed in every room. Think of all the domestic violence that would pick up and if your not doing anything wrong what have you got to fear? We could even use them to check when those working for the government we're legitimately sick or just fancy a day off, any doubt and the sensors in the room would breathalyse the individual and automatically dock their pay. I'm sure that for a suitable fee the government would allow certain trusted private companies to access the technology.

We could even track individuals by chipping them at birth much like we do our pets. We would need external visual proof of having been chipped though. Due to the density of population in cities scanning for individuals would be just a bit too difficult at the moment. Maybe we could tattoo people with a number or bar code somewhere visible, like the outside of the forearm.

I'm sorry I have to go now, the phone is ringing and it's probably the government Proctologist arranging the appointment to have the camera installed to track my every movement.

The beautiful game

Played by not very beautiful people.


Zimmer rolls it out to Willy waver, a short ball to Shagger, crossfield pass to Bum Knee, forward to Diver no opposition bootlace within five yards so back to Hopalong Barry, Oh a lovely through ball to Grabagranny, he's clear he must score....

 "Stopa rowing widda da linesman anda pay attention"

I suspect we may have the rug Yanked out from under us.

Here we go again

I'm trying to get enthuiastic, really I am but so far everytime a presenter or pundit on TV or radio says "World Cup" my response is, for an Englishman, typically Gallic. A shrug of the shoulders and that little expiration through an Elvis shaped mouth denoting why are you even bothering me with that.
I should be champing at the bit not being able to wait to get started and stick it to Johnny Foreigner. Being able to teach all those diving, cheating Argies a lesson, run rings round the pouting, arrogant Spanish or Portugese and don't even get me started on the Germans.
But it's not like that now. Football, more than any other sport, now has increasingly invisible national borders. Club loyalties are still as passionate, maybe even more so. Probably one of the players you would hold up as an example to any child, not just of how to play and behave on the pitch but how to speak and react to the outside world even when being provoked or questioned by obvious idiots is a Spaniard, Cesc Fabregas.
Yes I'm biased, I'm an Arsenal fan, but I can't recall ever having had a discussion with a supporter of any other team that had something bad to say about the guy. There are others, I'm sure you can put forward suggestions from your own teams. We are now exposed to players of all nationalities on a much more intimate basis than ever before. When England won it back in 1966 the only time we ever saw these other players was during the much less frequent European matches or Internationals. Our idols were Moore, Charlton, Hurst etc as they were all we saw or heard from on a regular basis.
My point though is am I liable to be cheering uncontrollably if the unlikely happens and England win it and the likes of John Terry and Ashley Cole are prancing around with smug smiles and winners medals. Or will I have a large satisfied look on my face if Cesc is on my screen wearing a winners medal.
I must admit to feeling ever so slightly more patriotic now the season has ended but only slightly.

So while we're singing Jerusalem I'm afraid I'll only be waving a very small cross of St George, that well know Roman soldier/priest.

Curse or blessing?

Very often in the course of my job I'm going on routes and journeys that I know as well as the way round my own house, no concious thought required. So if a punter is the silent type the Billy Liar in me kicks off and any homework from my writing class gets done or one of several other projects gets thought about and developed, just not written down.
Often though, with my mind essentially out of gear, the curse sets in.
As a photographer all my life, pro, semi pro and currently resting, I tend to view life as a collection of still images. Stationary at lights I'll be unconciously moving my eyeline slightly so that the traffic light isn't in line with the lamppost, or the wing mirrors of the cars in front form a nice visual stack with a reflection repeated in each. Noticing that I'm just about at the right position to get a long shot of a building via the reflection in some office windows.  I've even found myself rolling the car forward slightly to achieve the desired effect.
Driving past derelict buildings I'll wonder if I could get a shot of that broken window with a pigeon or two sitting in the right place. I have a thing about derelict buildings. Don't ask.

The curse doesn't stop there though, my own peculiar form of dyslexia kicks in and words have different meanings. A 'Baby on Board' sticker in the car in front and I'll be wondering why they've got a San Fransciscan honey making insect in the car. 'Exit'? I'll be waiting for the hen to move so I can watch it hatch.
'School'. No it's not, s'never been cool.
It's endless.

I've managed to make the visual curse pay in the past but it remains to be seen if I can do the same playing with words.
A piece of writing accepted by a publisher or having my collar felt because "That daft bugger over there keeps dodging his head about and staring straight through me".
Could be a close run thing.

A New Hope

Sorry I can't resist one more polly tickle post.

We have a Conservative Prime Minister ruling a Conservative government. Er? no we don't we have a Conservative government with the Lib Dems holding the choke chain in case it attacks the weak and defenceless. No we don't, what do we have? The humourists amongst us wil have spotted that what we have is a ConDem government, let's hope they don't live up to the name.

I think we can ignore the opening speech from Digital Dave. Opening speeches have little relevance to what comes after. Thatcher quoting Saint Francis of Assissi, given the following years of her rule, now seems almost obscene.

Cleggie's Deputy Prime Minister and I'm sure he feels well chuffed at the prospect but I'd suggest just a backward glance to the fat fool who held the title before him and then realise that sticking a ticket on something stating 'organic manure in an ethically produced container' on something doesn't change the fact that its still a sack of shit. Deputy Prime Minister is nothing more than a lable. Whether there's a useful quality product behind that lable or a remaindered, end of line, please take it off our hands remains to be seen.

We've had the officially required admiring speeches about Dear Prudence who now shuffles of, nearly tearful, into political retirement to a chorus of cooing admiration but he can't fail to have heard the popping of champagne corks and raucous cheering before he was even out of sight.

Someone else is now out of power, though I'm sure he's been working on a way back in even before we knew he was out. Mandlebrot, no matter how many layers you peel away you still end up with the same oily git. The bastard love child of Vader and Voldemort, with none of the redeeming features of either, will have been brown nosing anyone, with even a hint of influence, who has been foolish enough to drop the soap whilst he's in the same building. I'd suggest Cameron tries to find a position in his cabinet for Luke and young Harry as the evil one will find a way back in where one doesn't even exist.

Dave's got what he wants and Nick's got influence beyond his wildest dreams and even Labour have got what they want, given the election result. Large numbers of them ran round from pillar to post telling any Tory who would listen "Don't worry we wont be backing any deals"

The Lib Dems couldn't afford another election financially, Labour couldn't afford one politically and the Conservatives are in anyway. If they can make it work until the vote for fixed parliaments goes through and keep it together until Labour feel strong enough to start the "Come and have a go if you think your hard enough" we may just see a permanent change in a corrupt and out dated political system.
We just need a wedding planner now to shuffle the seating plan in the Commons so prissy, abstemious aunt Maude has to sit next to uncle Fred the alcy gambling addict for a bit less 'Yah Boo' in the house.

They'll probably screw it up but at least let's enjoy a few days of hope.

Here we see the species at it's most active. The herd shuffles nervously while the dominant animals try and assemble the maximum number of breeding opportunities.
Ultimately some of the Alphas will go head to head in a bloody competition in which the loser will either die or spend the rest of its life as a spent force unable to gain any support unless with the accession of the winner.
Those new to the habitat can be seen running around like excited new borns gently bumping, nuzzling and arse sniffing any creature that already has the scent of the herd well established in a desperate attempt for acceptance.

Whilst this activity looks frenetic it pales into comparison when we look at the flocks of chatterers picking and cleaning at every creature available with no regard to their rank in the herd. Such is their desperation that when there is no place visible on any animal close to them they even turn their attention to other species merely watching the activity and even their droppings.

As this political rutting season proceeds and the pecking order is established we can expect each individual in turn to be seen bowing it's head and lowing constantly in satisfaction as the chatterers can now carry out their work on a less mobile subject.

Then ultimately the whole extrordinary display is over and silence descends once more.
Apart from the gentle clicking of closing doors and the muttered enquiry "Where do you keep the expense claims forms".

The Importance of Being Earnest

Three debates done and dusted so who's going to be President, sorry Prime Minister.
All three of them looking directly into the camera imploring a sceptical public to pleeease believe them, they really are telling the truth this time.

He didn't do particularly well in the first leg but we seem to have had the second Caming and Digital Dave looks to be in front having largely ignored Dear Prudence during the whole third leg.
Gordon really is a marvel of physical dexterity. How one man can manage to shoot himself in both feet while having them wedged in his mouth is quite astonishing, he may actually pick up a few sympathy votes as he takes on, more and more, the look of an old dog that's finally had a kicking and been thrown out for crapping on the carpet.
Cleggie continues to win the charm offensive and prances about on any broadcast media available fluttering his eyelashes at the other two with an inviting "Well I might" dangling the mouth watering possibilities of sharing a red box or two. Gordon is positively gagging at the prospect as no one else will even look at him and is still trying to pull Clegg but Cleggie keeps pushing him off though it may end up that he's the only date not taken for the prom.
Dave is playing hard to get and says he wont share power at all, it's his ball and he's going home. So we can write that school report already......
Doesn't play well with others


...and so it goes on, all three of them dancing around telling us via the drooling hacks whatever they think will get them the most votes. Of course it has to be the truth but we are talking political truth here.
"Whatever I tell you three times is true"
They, collectively, are the Bellman and Mr and Mrs Voter are the mythical Snark.
Listen out for the phrases like, we have no plans to, we fully intend, it's a problem that needs addressing etc etc and then realise how many lobby correspondents and political hacks there are in relation to the number of MP's. All there to expain what they actually mean when they're truthfully lying through their teeth.

They will continue to be all over us like a cheap suit until 10pm on the 6th then, when all the votes are counted and we can have no further effect on the next 5 years, we will be chucked out of the window to be swept away with the Maccy's boxes, squashed  kebabs and alcopop bottles.
Then we can all go back to what we usually do which is to survive by going round, through or under the obstacles they place in our way.