Ho chuffing Ho

All through the year I'm usually a fairly 'glass half empty' kind guy but at this time of year a change comes over me and I turn into the bastard love child of the Grinch and Ebeneezer Scrooge.
So I offer you my Christmas carol and in the words of the much missed Dave Allen
"May your God go with you"

“Chestnuts roasting on an open fire”

No, being sold by some scabby little pillock who has to fight the rats off the trolley before flogging them to you at about a quid a chestnut.

“Jack Frost nipping at your nose.”

Nose be buggered, that’s the least of your worries, two nuts that have practically reversed puberty and a dick that’s hiding so far back it’s like a mouse in a football sock and resisting all attempts to get a hold as your dying for a pee.

“Yuletide carols being sung by a choir”

Three pre-pubescent prototype muggers in hoods banging on your door as soon as you’ve sat down for your well earned evening glass of hooch. First line of Good King Wenceslas, and hands thrust out expecting nothing less than a quid, each, unless you know a good glazier.


“and folks dressed up like Eskimos”

No just the local tangoed slappers in dresses just a bikini wax this side of decent and  shoes that need a ladder to get on and oxygen to stay on all centrally heated by a case of WKD each.

“Everybody knows a turkey and some mistletoe,
Help to make the season bright.”

Enough bloody turkey and pud to anchor you down so you stand no chance of leaping up to grab any totty wandering under the limp sprig of mistletoe on the hat stand and every chance of being pinned into the chair by Aunty Flo with the halitosis and loose false teeth clutching a bunch big enough to hide a buzzard.

 “Tiny tots with their eyes all aglow,
Will find it hard to sleep tonight.”

Brandy in the milk, bit of a waste but works every time.

 “They know that Santa's on his way;
He's loaded lots of toys and goodies on his sleigh”

Santa my arse, two solid months of retail dementia. “Did you get him the Ipod yet? Oh it looks so small, we’ll have to get him something bigger as well because his sisters TV and DVD player looks so much bigger and then we’ll need some more stocking fillers and we need something for Nanny and Grandads always so hard to choose something for and I’m sure there’s someone I’ve forgotten Oh I know………….”

“And every mother's child is going to spy,
To see if reindeer really know how to fly.”

Thank Christ they can’t have you seen what comes out of the rear end of them.
Plenty of evidence to leave though.
“Come on eat the mince pies and leave some crumbs and snap the carrots in half, now bite the end off”
“What!”
“Bite the end off, they need to see some teeth marks”
“Sod the fucking carrots you do them I’m having the sherry”


“And so I'm offering this simple phrase,
To kids from one to ninety-two,
Although its been said many times, many ways,

Christmas my arse
Roll on Easter.